ATTENTION ALL,OK. So if a goose attacks me outside of the building, I'm supposed to clap my hands -- but I'm not supposed to provoke the geese. That litany of warnings reminded me of the Happy Fun Ball parody from SNL a few years back.
We have had lots of questions brought to our attention about the wild geese that we have here on our premises. We know that they have been known to be real aggressive toward our employees. We do know the geese are nesting and laying the eggs at this time. We do have one out in the front walkway of our [address] building in one of the flower beds near [another building]. We have marked the area with an orange cone. I must tell you that they are very protective of their nest. I must also tell you they are protected by Federal regulations and should not be harmed. If they are harmed there could be fines and charges brought against you.
We thought it might be good to suggest a few things to provide further safety to all employees.
Suggestions we strongly recommend:
Please cascade this email to all your teams.
- Try to avoid the geese, walk away from the area where they are nesting
- Park in the back parking lot of the [address] building to avoid the nesting area
- DO NOT feed the geese
- Don't provoke the geese
- If they start toward you clap your hands
- Don't shout at them, they think you are provoking them
- Don not run, they might chase you
One of my coworkers quipped that he will not negotiate with the terrorist geese and that if they attacked him, he would be forced to retaliate.