The Onion is reporting a transcript of John Edwards' most recent speech in Wisconsin. (Warning: profanity, and lots of it.) His answer to the war in Iraq:

Oh, that reminds me! God bless our troops in Iraq! They have served America bravely and well. If elected, John Kerry and I will work with the international community to rid the world of terrorism. In fact, come next Christmas, our young men and women will be back home, wearing bright red sweaters with reindeer and bells on the front. That might seem like an impossibly tall order, but just a few years ago, I was an unknown trial lawyer. Now, I'm running for the second-highest office in this great land! I'm smiling so wide, the top of my head might fall off!

In other election news, The Onion is also reporting that Cheney vows to attack U.S. if Kerry is elected. Even more exiting is that Cheney made his comments from Greensboro, where I live.

"If the wrong man is elected in November, the nation will come under a devastating armed attack of an unimaginable magnitude, one planned and executed by none other than myself," Cheney said, speaking at a rally in Greensboro, NC. "When they go to the polls, Americans must weigh this fact and decide if our nation can ignore such a grave threat."

For more campaign coverage, visit the Onion Election Guide

Verily, I am amused.